How I am Right Now

Fun fact: pictures of cat paws make me happy. (Credit: Pinterest)

I wake up this morning as usual. There is nothing I worry about until I stand in front of my bathroom mirror. A glimpse of memory who I was yesterday, a month ago, even years ago enter my mind. Everything that has been passed for years suddenly appears. My eyes teary. I feel something inside my chest. It is like a burden. It is like a hole.

After all these years, I think I am just okay. Yet, I miss who I was. I miss my self.
The crying stops. The questions don’t. Who I was? Do I lose something? Do I love myself enough? Do I? That echoes. I need to do something.

It was an agonizing experience in the past that people made fun of me in many ways. Getting suppressed, unable to express my feelings. It got me down really bad, I’ve forced myself to be happy and cheery all the time, despite the fact that people around always got their fair share of fooling me, tricking me, and treating me like I’m big, useless junk. I felt really, really unworthy. My life was a whole lot of mess to the point that I developed such a destructive behavior and mean demeanor. I retract myself from a lot of social experiences. I snark every time someone made comments or arguments. I was unhappy. Unloved by neither myself or others.

I was a trainwreck.

However, years went by, I went to college. Moved into a new town. Adapting myself in a environment. Met a lot of amazing friends and colleagues, fell in love with beautiful person, and experienced many new things that I’ve never tried or knew before. I began to open up myself a bit more and it worked. I am now become more expressive. My confidence level is beyond the highest sky. I learned to be more accepting to the diversity. I surrounded myself in positive vibe. I’m leaning more towards the future instead of dwelling in the past. I’m embracing myself and the changes. This time, I’m not letting people get through me, I’m not going to let them bring me down to their lowest level. Most importantly, not letting them to make me feel unworthy of love to myself as a person as well as human.

There are still changes to be made. I need to land a proper job, preparing myself more on continuing my study, keep in shape (I don’t want to lose this time!), and always remember to stay positive and be happy. The stake is high, but definitely worth the fight.

I love my current self, no matter what. I feel blessed to had such a wonderful occasion to be where I am and who I am right now. My pasts were just history where I made it as a learning materials in life. As terrible as it was, it was all gone — nothing but a little dust of rock in a vast universe. Now I’m feeling alive and happy, that’s all that matter.

Hope it last 🙂

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