I’m a Beast

I’m dedicating this post to the release of the live-action movie of Beauty and the Beast. The animated version had always been my personal favorite, as well as defining the qualities that I loved in a woman; smart, pretty both on the inside and outside, and compassionate toward others. Belle, the bibliophile who crave for an adventure in a faraway land, is and always be my favorite Disney princess (with Mulan as the close second). The songs in the animated movie were my go-to songs, especially “Belle”, which also tells a bit of my life story, a sickness of a provincial life that I went through. I can’t talk much about the live-action movie because I haven’t watch it when I wrote and published this post. But I’m definitely looking forward to watch it and see how Emma Watson will deliver a persona of Belle as good as her animated version which voiced by one and only Paige O’Hara, bless her beauty and enchanting voice.

I’m taking on Beauty and the Beast as a self-reflection, especially the Beast. A literal beast. I’m a Beast of my own.

It is no doubt that I’m always looking at myself, physically, in a quite negative way. I’m fat, unattractive, and despite sometimes showing a bit of tenderness to people who I liked and respect, people tend to keep their distance away from me. It sucks; it’s always been. Which is why it was one of the reason why I made a barrier around me, to keep people away from me, just because I don’t want them to hurt me even more. However, that kind of attitude only drove me into a complete solitude. I was unhappy. I was distressed. Unable to feel a connection and bond that I’d built with others.

To no surprise as well, it kept me away from falling in love.

All those cheesy things that I ever said about love, it was all for naught. I’m unable to feel what love is – heck, I don’t even know what love is. It was just an emotion and that’s it. I couldn’t dig it even deeper. I couldn’t digest what the actual meaning of love and how it affects a lot of people. It made them drunk. It made them blind. It made them suffer. It made them fall.

What is love and how do you find it?

I don’t know what love is and how to love someone.

I did had numerous crushes in the past, but that doesn’t mean I love them. How am I suppose to feel love if I don’t even know what love is? Even if I did, will people love me? Will there be a person who will ever gonna love a hideous human being such as I am? We all know how the box looks is what matter the most than what the box had inside of it. People see what they see, instead of seeing the person deeply, not with their eyes but with their heart. I’m not blaming myself nor everyone who seems to had a certain tendency to love what’s covering that person. No matter how nice and smart you are, if you look like a beast, it would only drive people away from you. Because, admit it, what matter the most is the outside. Deny it all you want, but that what most people do. Your inside doesn’t matter unless that person is a psychic who was able to see what kind of person are you. Even if you’re being nice to people, it doesn’t mean they will love you. They still see you as a beast.

I’m not shaming myself, no. I promise myself that I will change. I will be the better person that I am right now. I promise I’m not gonna letting anyone or anything get in my way to change myself.

I just want to feel love, that’s it.

I just want to have someone who loves me just the way I am. Someone who loves me whether I’m fat or slim. Someone who loves me whether I’m dumb or smart. Someone who could see right through me and see what’s inside of me. Someone who could melt my frozen heart, to teach me what love is, to tell me that love is not a mere human emotion. Someone who could make me fall in love with them as I love them back.

But, as of now, who could ever learn to love a beast?

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